Captain 'Murica
by GIRL IN STORY
Summary: "It's not as bad as Hydra," Bucky said, after trying Cinnabon. "You have such low standards," said Tony. "No wonder you're friends with Steve."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Post CAWS. Canon deviation from CACW. Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

"What about when he wakes up and starts redecorating my lab? Have you seen White People Renovating Houses? I know South Park's on your Future To Do List. I'm all for open spaces, but these are load-bearing walls. Now, I could suit up and go in there with you, but it's a new suit, and I don't want to scratch the paint. Just kidding. The paint is scratch-resistant titanium oxide. Trust me, Cap. You want me out here reading the scans. I may not be a doctor, but I am the only one here who doesn't think UNIX is cute slang for unicorns, and the suit's GUI is limited by the size of my head, which is not as big as you seem to think."

Tony maneuvered Thor and Steve into the lab and Bruce towards the stairs, all without pausing for breath, because he was a genius and he could multitask, although his ability to multitask had less to do with his masters from MIT and more to do with the near-simultaneous invention of split-screen computing and internet videos of sneezing pandas.

Thor looked out of place in the sterile lab setting, but the Winter Soldier didn't, which was the only reason Tony had decided to help when the crazy ex-assassin who murdered his parents had shown up riddled with bullets on the roof of his Tower in the middle of the night (and how had he done that at all let alone looking like one of Tony's high-pressure rainfall massage shower heads?)

Also, this was the first time Tony had seen Steve look like a real boy and not a cartoon character. Well, he looked a little like Eeyore. He had been crying steadily even since the Winter Soldier collapsed against him. He didn't seem to have noticed.

Steve had carried the Winter Soldier downstairs, slowly, because he didn't want to hurt his childhood friend any further, and because, "He may be my brother, but he's still pretty fucking heavy."

"Should we restrain him?" asked Thor, who had been caught up on the Winter Soldier situation, and seemed to have a ready grasp of adopted brothers who occasionally needed to be restrained.

" _No_ ," Steve didn't so much say as intone.

He and Thor stood guard while the doctors removed the Winter Soldier's tac vest, shirt, and bullets. Well, they were somebody else's bullets. Hydra, probably, if the intel about someone going on a Tarantino-worthy rip-roaring rampage of revenge was anything to go by, and it was the Widow's intel so it was everything to go by. When she told Steve, he had just sniffled and said, "We met the real Basterds in Innsbruck back when they were serving for the OSS. I think the Howlies would've whipped 'em out and measured 'em if frostbite weren't an issue." Natasha didn't have the heart to tell him that was the wrong Tarantino movie. (Tony did.)

Tony stayed at the screens, translating the scans for the doctors, and pointedly ignoring everything he saw in the scans that made him feel sorry for the Winter Soldier. (There were some places that screws should just not go.) Eventually, the Winter Soldier was stabilized. The doctors left, and Thor placed Mjölner in front of the lab door.

"That isn't actually going to stop him," said Tony. "He'll just go through the wall. Well it might take him a few more… seconds. Hope you don't need to pee in the middle of the night, Cap."

Steve just nodded grimly, as though Bucky's wellbeing took precedence over his own bodily functions. From his actions on the helicarrier, those bodily functions seemed to include breathing.

Steve, Thor, and Tony, settled in for the night. All three of them were combat-seasoned superheroes. One was a supersoldier, one was a god, and one was the official high-scorer on NES Tetris.

All three of them fell asleep on watch.

The Winter Soldier was gone when they woke up.

"Rude," said Tony.

Steve started crying again. He still didn't seem to notice.

They were all still staring at the empty table when Bruce came in with four cups of green tea.

"What happened?"

"He left," said Steve, and Eeyore. Tony couldn't _not_ hear it now.

"Uh, guys?" he said, mentally smacking himself, because he was supposed to be a sneezing-panda-watching, multitasking genius, but he didn't have as much practice cataloguing property damage that _wasn't_ there. "Did he move Mjölner?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Its eyes follow me wherever I go," said Tony.

"Don't call him 'it.'" Steve sounded tired, even though he'd fallen asleep on watch too.

The Winter Soldier had returned the next day. He seemed to be feeling better. At least, he didn't swoon into Steve's open arms this time.

This time, the Winter Soldier had appeared in the dining room ( _how?_ ) just in time for breakfast, which was a trait he shared with Steve. He hadn't moved or spoken, simply watched them warily from his perch on the sideboard, looking like a giant Central Park pigeon. Actually, the pigeons in Central Park were braver than that. They were so used to people, they would eat out of your hand. Sometimes they would try to eat your hand.

Bruce broke out the dehydrated peanut butter, which the Avengers ordered it in bulk, because it was one of the few foods they could all agree on, being low-fat (Rhoades), high-protein (Steve), and vegan (Vision).

Bucky made a face. Hydra must have fed him a lot of low-fat, high-protein, vegan shakes. Tony knew the guy had been tortured but that was just cruel and unusual.

"Careful or your face will freeze that way," said Tony, and Steve kicked him.

"Do you want something else, buddy?" Steve asked.

The Winter Soldier cocked his head, looking more like a pigeon than ever. Tony couldn't tell if the stumper was "buddy" or "want."

There were a couple of stickers on the bulk package of peanut butter that said, "This is a set. Do not separate." Tony peeled them off. He stuck one on Steve and one on the Winter Soldier. He was pleasantly surprised when neither of them beat him to death.

"It's not that hard, Fullmetal Alchemist," he said. "What tickles your fancy? What motors your boat? You made the decision to come here and bleed all over my stuff. Now make another."

"You can do whatever you want now, Buck," said Steve, in a voice thicker than he was.

The Winter Soldier cleared his throat, opened his mouth and said, in a voice more steely than he was, "I wanna' get fat."

Tony barked a laugh.

"That is aggressively American. Should have figured, best friend of Captain 'Murica and all. Well, everyone knows the most American way to get fat is a trip to the mall, and I need a new Rolly. Suit up, boys. We're going to Columbus Circle."


	3. Chapter 3

They did not go to Columbus Circle where there were respectable places to get fat like Per Se and Masa. They went to the King's Plaza shopping center, because Steve thought Brooklyn might help the Winter Soldier with his alzheimer's, although how Best Buy and Auntie Anne's was supposed to help him remember the good old days of being Little Orphan Annie, Tony had no idea. They took the subway, because Happy had the day off, and Steve said he and the Winter Soldier used to take the subway all the time back when it was made out of wood or whatever.

The Winter Soldier did not like the subway. He curled in on himself for the duration of the two hour ride (it was the F Train). Tony knew the Winter Soldier had been cryogenically frozen in between missions. He had seen the evidence in the scans, subcutaneous tissue damage that the serum would have healed if it hadn't been sustained over, and over, and over again. He was actually a little impressed that the Winter Soldier managed to remain calm in the face of the cold, and the dark, and the woman eating an entire roast chicken.

(Which didn't have anything to do with cryo, except there was one photo in the Hydra files that made it look like they had stored food in the tube along with the Winter Soldier back in '56. Nat insisted it was a trick of the light, but Tony was 90% sure it was a Swanson Turkey dinner.)

Steve did not like the subway. He flinched every time the train jerked on its rails because it had run over a dead rat or whatever.

Tony did not like the subway, because it was dirty and full of peasants, but he got to make an exaggerated show of standing up when the overhead announcer said, "In the priority seating area, please move for seniors and people with disabilities."

Bruce did not like the Subway. He was the only one of them smart enough to take a damn cab.

They made it to the mall in one piece, more or less. When Tony made that joke, Steve kicked him again and asked why he had come. Tony had come, mostly because he wanted to see Bucky's reaction to the coin-operated massage chairs. (His reaction was to pull a gun on them, which Steve barely got away from him in time, because the last thing American needed was another white guy with a gun in a mall.)

"It's not as bad as Hydra," Bucky said, after trying Cinnabon.

"You have such low standards," said Tony. "No wonder you're friends with Steve."

"Yeah, he's an asshole."

Steve choked, either on his Cinnabon or more tears, because for once, the Winter Soldier sounded like a real boy.

"Barnes," Tony slapped him on the shoulder and then shook the feeling back into his fingers. "I'm starting to think you're a man after my own heart. I'm just glad that's not literal."


End file.
